Chapter 14, part 2: Snow Day

Soon I was back on campus and absorbed in a new class schedule. It was a blessing not to have any classes with Ian spring semester. He missed the first CSF meeting, which was a disappointment and a relief at the same time. I told myself that spending so much time with Oma had the side benefit of helping to tamp down the feelings that I was sure he would never return. But that was easy to say when I hadn’t seen him yet.

He stopped by our room on Thursday evening, the lower half of his face covered in a scruffy beard. The change in appearance helped. At least the mere sight of him didn’t make my heart flip like it had last semester.

“Hi, Gigi, L.Jo.” He pulled off his gloves and heavy winter coat. “It’s snowing something fierce outside. I heard that classes might be canceled tomorrow if it keeps up. How awesome would that be?”

The three of us chatted easily about our breaks and new classes. Soon Lacey excused herself. She had a date with Rob, a fellow Elkie from her hometown. As she left, she suggested the four of us go out together sometime so we could meet him. “That is, if you’re feeling up to it, Giselle.”

It wasn’t the first time since we’d been back that Lacey showed such concern for me. It grated on my nerves. I was fine now, and tired of getting special treatment.

Then again, I did still need some help.

“Hey, can I still count on you to drive me to Avondale for follow up appointments?” I asked Ian after Lacey was gone.

“No problem, Gigi. Be glad to. That is, unless they are on Friday afternoons. I don’t know if I told you or not, but toward the end of last semester I started keeping the Biblical Sabbath with a local messianic home church. I don’t want to miss services. Plus, I try not to be out driving after sundown.”

Just as Ian predicted, classes were cancelled the next day. Elk Ridge’s president sent out a campus-wide email inviting all students over to the hill behind her house that afternoon for sledding and hot chocolate.

Phoebe tapped me on the shoulder while I was waiting in line with Ian and Lacey for my first sled ride. “Gigi, can I talk to you privately?”

“Sure.”

She led us inside the president’s house to a small sitting room.

“What’s up?” I asked after we finished unbundling ourselves.

“You’re friends with Breanne Gonzalez, right?” she asked. “Well, she came to me the other day, scared and asking for advice. From what she told me, it sounds like she may have had some sort of demonic encounter.”

“What do you mean?”

“It’s best if you don’t know all the details. Just know she’s in the middle of some intense spiritual warfare and needs all the prayer she can get. I’m telling you this because you’re her friend and because you seemed to have such a heart for prayer last semester, always sharing your needs with such quiet faith.”

When we came out of the house, I found Lacey and got back at the end of the line with her. Ian had left to attend the messianic congregation. While the line inched forward, I had several cups of hot cocoa. Right before we reached the launch point, I started to feel sick to my stomach and an urgency to get to a bathroom. After the exhilarating ride, I fled up the hill. I barely made it.

On our next trip to the infectious disease specialist in Avondale, Ian talked to me about the joy he’d found in starting to keep the Old Testament laws, and why he thought they were still in force for today. His argument sounded convincing. He invited me to join him at the messianic home church, and I attended the next few weeks. Soon though, I realized I was there mostly for Ian. For my own sanity, I had to stop going with him.

At the same time, I had still been attending church on Sundays with Lacey, where they preached against legalism. Brother Thomas said anyone who tried to follow Old Testament stuff was trying to save themselves and was living under the curse of the law. But one Sunday, he concluded a sermon by saying if we didn’t witness to at least one person a week we had reason to question if we really were walking with the Lord. Wasn’t that just legalism in another form? Besides, Ian and his new friends didn’t seem cursed.

Every time I had an appointment in Avondale, Ian would share more about what he was learning. Every Sunday, I’d hear a slightly different gospel at the Pentecostal church. The conflicting voices confused me. How could I know if I were the right kind of Christian?

My stomach continued to bother me intermittently too as the weeks went by. I figured it was just a stress reaction—my class load was heavy. 

 Whenever I found myself in the bathroom with another episode, I’d remember what Phoebe had said about Breanne and wonder how to pray for her when I didn’t even know what was going on. I didn’t dare ask Breanne herself, for fear that she’d know that Phoebe violated her trust.

Chapter 14, part 3: Bad News

By early March, the infectious disease specialist gave me a clean bill of health and discontinued the antibiotics.

“What will you be doing over spring break?” Ian asked on our final drive together back from Avondale.

“I can’t believe it’s already less than a week away. I’ll be flying home tomorrow and visiting my Oma every chance I get,” I answered.

“How is she doing?”

“She looked great at Christmas, considering everything. My mom says she thinks Oma’s been making more improvement since then. Shows you doctors don’t know everything. They thought she’d reached a plateau.”

“The doctors didn’t know you had everyone in CSF praying for her. Praise to Yahweh Rapha, the God who Heals,” Ian said. “Of course, you would know. He healed you too.”

“Yeah.” I shifted in my seat, wanting to change the subject. I didn’t want to be known as the sick girl anymore. “I’m so ready for Spring Break! But first I have to get a monster paper for my German Literature class written and turned in.”

That night I worked hard on the paper. I got so in the zone that it took a moment to register the source of the sound when a Skype call from home came in. I briefly debated ignoring the call so I wouldn’t lose my train of thought... Too late, the train was derailed already.

I accepted the video chat and waited for the picture to load.

Tears streamed down Mom’s face. “Gigi, honey, it’s your Oma. She had another stroke. She’s gone.”

“Gone? But she was fine last time I saw her,” I said. “You said she was doing better.”

Lacey came up behind me and put a hand on my shoulder. I controlled the urge to shake it off.

“It was sudden and quick, thankfully,” Mom continued. “The doctor says she didn’t suffer.”

I kept expecting tears to come, but my eyes remained dry. At least I had seen her when I was home for Christmas. Who knew that would be the last time? Still, I wished I had been there for her last moments. Maybe if I had taken the semester off or continued my studies from home like Mom wanted, I’d have been there.

“Am I going to miss the funeral?”

“No, the memorial service isn’t until Saturday. Then you’ll have the rest of spring break to mourn and visit with family before diving back into your studies.”

“My studies! I can’t think about this now,” I groaned. My paper was only half finished.

“I’ll let you go. Call back if you want to talk about it some more. Don’t worry about the time.”

When Mom ended the video chat, I stood, not sure what to do next.

Lacey started to embrace me. “Oh, honey,” she said.

I knew if I let her touch me the tears would come. I’d never finish this paper if I started crying now. “Leave me alone!” I said with more vehemence than I intended.

“I was just trying to help,” Lacey said, putting her hand on my arm. “You’ve been through so much.”

I did shake her off that time. “You’ve helped enough.” I grabbed my laptop and fled the room.

In the dorm’s lobby I found a couch and hunkered down to work on my paper. Somehow I managed to push my grief aside long enough to eke out a reasonable conclusion to my analysis of the short stories of Thomas Kleist. I uploaded it to Dr. Eberhardt’s website and crept back to the room I shared with Lacey.

I overslept the next day and missed a class. Lacey hadn’t bothered to wake me. Guess I deserved that. Hopefully we could both cool off and be friends again by the time I came back.

I walked numbly through the rest of my classes and through the motions of packing that afternoon. I let Phoebe do most of the talking on the drive to the airport. I thought I’d be able to let loose and cry once I was in the solitude of anonymity on the plane, but tears wouldn’t come. What was wrong with me?

When I landed, tears finally flowed at the sight of my family. Mom, Daddy, Kirsten and Ruthie had all come to pick me up. We went to dinner and cried and laughed as we shared our favorite anecdotes about Oma. The memorial service was a beautiful celebration of Oma’s life. It was the day before Easter, and the senior pastor at Blessed Redeemer made our resurrection hope the theme of his eulogy.

I couldn’t help but think of Ian. He had celebrated Passover back in Ohio. He’d explained the pagan roots of Easter to me. Were we offending God by celebrating on the wrong day, in the wrong way? Could we even be lost, unsaved because we weren’t worshiping God the right way? Maybe we were just fooling ourselves with this talk of resurrection hope.

All I knew is that I wanted to see my Oma again. Surely someone like her had to be in heaven with Jesus. I prayed God would show me the right way to believe and live so I could get there too.  

Chapter 15, part 1: Spring Fever

When Spring Break ended, I returned to campus as scheduled. The first day back was hard. I had trouble paying attention, missing Oma.

Then at the end of German Literature class, Dr. Eberhardt said something that cut through my anxiety. “Class, before I let you go, I have a special announcement. A last minute opportunity has opened up. The college has agreed to let me add a summer course abroad to the course catalog for this department. I can take a minimum of five and a maximum of eight students on a three week tour in South-Central Europe. I’m still working out the details of the itinerary, but preliminary plans call for stops in Munich, Vienna and Prague …”

I just had to go on this trip! I had always wanted to see Austria, the birthplace of my Oma. Since Oma’s death, the longing had become a more specific goal. I already had money saved from graduation cards and the summer job with Pastor Jim, and just that morning I had lined up a job proofreading for the campus paper to make even more extra money. My last bank statement registered eight hundred dollars. It still wasn’t enough, but it was a start.

As the class filed out of the room, I ran straight to Dr. Eberhardt’s desk.

“Interested in the trip, Miss Gottlieb?”

“Definitely. When are you planning to go?”

“Probably the last weeks of July or the first weeks of August.”

“And how much will it cost?”

“That hasn’t been determined quite yet.”

“Can you give me a ballpark? I want to talk to my parents about it tonight and money is going to be the first thing they ask about.”

“Plan on spending about up to three thousand between the cost of airfare, souvenirs, entrance fees, lodging, food and so forth. If you plan to go, you’ll need to put half the money down as a deposit to secure your place.”

I hoped that Dr. Eberhardt didn’t see me flinch at the price tag. The balance on my savings account suddenly looked paltry. I wasn’t even halfway there. Where would the rest of the money come from? Even though I’d mentioned parents, chances were they’d be unwilling to foot the bill. Heck, they weren’t even paying for regular tuition – why would they spring for something extra like this?

***

Before heading back to the room I shared with Lacey, I picked up the mail from the student center. The scruffy clerk handed over a bulky package with a Citrus Valley, CA address.

I stopped at a table to open it. Inside were two books, one an inspirational romance novel and the other a cozy mystery. Nestled alongside the books was a box of six See’s Candy chocolate truffles and a handmade card from Mom. The card’s rubber stamped message read “Thinking of you” and on the inside Mom had written, "Oma would be so proud of you. P.S. Hope you like the novels. I’m not familiar with the authors, but the clerk at the bookstore recommended them.”

Folded inside the card was a sheet of brightly colored paper decorated with cute Japanese animal characters. “Hi, Gigi,” the note read in Kirsten’s neat rounded handwriting. “I haven’t told Mom and Daddy yet, but I sent in my decision letter to Elk River today. I’m so ready for high school to be over so I can get out of this house! I know you understand.”

Ruth sent a hand-drawn picture. I chuckled at how my kid sister managed to make the Elk River College mascot look more ready to pose for a toothpaste ad than to rip the opposing team to shreds.

***

Outside, the world was a riot of color, from the pink dogwood blossoms to the robins-egg blue of the sky to the neon green of the newly emerging leaves and fresh growth of grass blanketing Elk River’s hills. I hurried back to the dorms, greeting each person I passed with a wide smile and the customary Elkie Hi. For the first time since the funeral, my grief over Oma eased and almost slipped away.

I was going to Austria this summer, I had no homework to speak of, and this afternoon I had two good books to read. My world couldn’t get more perfect.

Not seeing anyone around, I did a little hop-skip, closed my eyes and began to twirl. Being on a hill, I lost my balance and stumbled.

Stumbled right into the broad muscled chest of a boy -- no, a man, definitely a man -- wearing a Kappa Sig t-shirt.

“Watch it!” a bass voice said.

“Excuse me,” I stammered as I looked up from the taut fabric of the t-shirt to a set of teasing chocolate brown eyes.

I knew instantly who those eyes belonged to. Brad Talbert, Elk River’s star baseball player.

Out of all the people to crash into during an embarrassing moment of girlish frivolity, Murphy’s Law dictated that it had to be someone like him. I’d never met him, but everyone knew who he was. The freshman girls of Warner all agreed he was the most beautiful man on campus.

“I’m so sorry. I don’t know what got into me.” I wanted to sink into the ground and disappear. Had he noticed me twirling? Maybe I could play it off.

“I was just …”

“No problem. You’ve got spring fever, right?” He winked at me. “Everyone feels like dancing when the weather warms up.”

So he HAD noticed. Great.

“Spring fever, right. Achoo! Watch out or you might catch it!” I did another awkward little twirl and hurried off.

I was shaking all over by the time I reached my room. What an idiot I was. Oh well, at least I had the books Mom sent to take my mind off it.

I usually devoured the books Mom sent in a few hours. Today, maybe I’d treat myself by reading a little more slowly while finishing off the box of chocolates. I sighed dreamily, looking forward to the part of the book where the hero inevitably swept the heroine into his strong arms and declared his undying love for her. I got tingles down my spine just thinking of it. The mystery looked interesting too – perhaps I’d read that first and save the romance novel for dessert.

Before I dove into the books, I called Mom and told her about the trip to Europe. “What do you think? Will Daddy help me pay for the trip?”

“You’ll have to ask him yourself when he gets back. He’s out of town at the annual award banquet. But don’t be surprised if the answer is no. You know how he feels about you girls paying your own way.”

Chapter 15, part 2: Movie Night

The rest of the week flew by. I had a full social calendar for the weekend, between a movie night in Warner that Breanne and I had agreed to go to together Friday, and a CSF field trip to Cedar Point on Saturday.

After dinner I sat on my bed reading while Lacey and Rob hung out at her desk. I felt like a third wheel when they were together, but maybe that was my fault for not being more friendly to Rob? It was worth a try.

“Lacey, I’m going to the lobby to watch the Pirates of the Caribbean marathon they’re showing. You and Rob want to come?”

Lacey paused the YouTube video they were watching. “Naw, we’re going to stay in. You should watch this with us … this pastor is explaining his calculations for when the end of the world might be. Fascinating stuff.”

Lacey had always been more passionate about her faith than me, but ever since she started hanging around Rob, she’d been verging on wild-eyed fanaticism. It seemed like all they talked about were end times, purity and corruption. Of course, according to Rob, anyone who didn’t buy into his interpretation of how to literally follow the Bible — that is to say, everyone but him and Lacey — were headed straight to hell. What did she see in him?

“I was really looking forward to the movies, and I told Breanne I’d meet her there. I’ll try to watch that video later. Email me the link, ok?”

As I walked out the door, I overheard Rob say, “She spends an awful lot of time with that lesbo. Makes you wonder, doesn’t it?”

I stopped in my tracks and turned back. I couldn’t let that go. “Makes you wonder what, Rob? Breanne’s my friend. Don’t talk like that about her.”

"You’re so naive. Everyone knows it’s true.”

“I’m sorry, I don’t pay attention to the campus gossip. I thought someone as holy as you wouldn’t either. See you later, Lacey.” I slammed the door behind me.

Breanne and I were supposed to meet in the lobby. I was expecting a lot of people to be there, but I saw only a few guys on the couch.

And one of them was Brad Talbert.

“Hey, Dancing Queen!” he said with a grin when he saw me.

“Hey yourself.” I said, blushing. I wondered where Breanne was.

“There’s room on the couch. Squeeze on in, we were just about to start.”

I sat next to him, and the two other guys moved to a different couch. Instead of moving away, Brad inched closer. Throughout the movie, he turned to me and cracked jokes. Was he actually flirting? I guess it worked out that Breanne forgot about the movie.

At the end of Dead Man’s Chest, Brad announced he was hungry. “Anyone want to walk down to Plus One Pizza with me?”

A chorus of noes and yawns answered him.

“I’m up for it,” I said. “I’d have to go back to my room first to get my coat, though.”

“Here, babe, just wear mine,” he said, handing me his Elk River letterman’s jacket.

We walked out of the dorm into the brisk early spring night, me in his coat. It had a familiar smell that I couldn’t quite place. Suddenly, an image of me pinning a boutonniere on Quan’s tuxedo flashed in my mind’s eye. That date to the prom had been the beginning of something special. Maybe Brad sharing Quan’s taste in cologne was a sign that this would turn into something too.

“How come I haven’t seen you around before?” Brad asked on our way back to the dorms.

“Well, I was pretty sick last semester and didn’t get involved in campus life very much. Unless you count CSF meetings.”

“CSF? Is that a new sorority?”

“No, it’s the Christian club on campus.”

“Ah, I see. What kind of Christian are you?”

I thought about how to answer. Was I still a Lutheran? I wasn’t messianic, but was I Pentecostal? “I’m not sure what you mean,” I hedged.

“Are you Catholic or Protestant?”

At least that was easy to answer. “Not Catholic, but I dated a guy once who was,” I said.

“Good,” Brad said.

“Good how?”

“I’m Catholic, so it’s good to know I might have a chance with you.” Brad bumped shoulders with me and grinned.

When I got back to my room there was a message from Breanne. “Sorry I stood you up, Zella, but I met someone special. Can’t wait to tell you all about it.”

Chapter 16, part 1: Leader Material?

After class a few weeks later I met Ian in the Student Center to hang out.

“So, tonight at the CSF meeting they’re going to ask who wants to be considered for leadership next year,” said Ian. He pushed back his demolished plate of nachos and rocked back in his chair.

I looked up from People magazine. “I bet Lacey can’t wait.”

“Where is your roommate anyway?”

“I thought I saw her across the room with Rob a few minutes ago. Maybe they left already.”

The ground floor of the student center buzzed with people. Everyone seemed to be bubbling over with the energy of the spring day. Many wore shorts and sandals, though my California blood wasn’t quite ready for that. Still, sixty degrees felt positively balmy after the deep chill of winter.

Ian wiped a smear of cheese with his stubby finger and licked it off. “What’s with you two recently? You used to be like peas and carrots.”

“Nothing’s changed. I mean, we’re still friends and all. It’s just that—she has Rob now, and I kind of get the sense that he doesn’t like me very much.”

“Who wouldn’t like you?” Ian said.

I blushed, wondering anew if Ian could ever think of me as more than a friend.

He continued. “I’m sure that’s just your imagination. Once she and Rob get past the honeymoon phase, you and Lacey will be Gigi and L.Jo again, just like before.”

“You’re probably right.”

“How about you?” he said with a knowing smile. “Interested in anyone?”

“Oh, not really,” I said, trying to suppress my own smile. My interest in him was supposed to be gone. I’d just gotten to the point of feeling like I could act normal around him. We were back to being buddies. At least, until a conversation like this stirred things up in my heart.

“Not really, huh?” He arched half of his unibrow at me. “Didn’t I see you walking down to the pizza shop with Elk River baseball’s power hitter the past few Friday nights? What was that about?”

“And what were you doing out so late? Anyway, if you already knew, why’d you ask?”

Ian’s wide grin revealed a mouthful of crooked, yellowing teeth. “Just to torture you a little. I was on my way back from my house church when I spotted you together. Brad seems cool. Isn’t he a Kappa Sig?”

“Something like that,” I said quickly, eager to change the subject. “So I guess you’ll be signing that clipboard when it comes around, right?”

“I’m definitely going to put my name up for consideration. Aren’t you?”

“I’m not sure it’s my thing. It seems like so much responsibility. It’s almost presumptuous to think I know enough about God to lead anyone else.”

Ian wasn’t going to let the matter drop. “I really think you should consider it, Gigi. Leaders should be someone active and growing in their faith, and I really have seen you grow a lot since we’ve met.”

“Last time I checked I was still five foot three.”

“Maybe I meant horizontal growth.” He puffed up his already plump cheeks like a fish.

“Hey!” I rolled up the magazine and playfully smacked his arm with it. “That’s just rude.”

“Serves you right for playing dumb.” Ian chuckled. “You know what I meant. Spiritual growth. God-sized changes.”

“Like what?” I couldn’t resist the chance to fish for a compliment.

“Quit being so modest. I bet you can think of at least one way you’ve grown since we’ve met.”

“Now that you mention it, putting up with you has certainly taught me patience.”

He gave an exaggerated nod. “Well, there you go.”

We laughed together.

“Seriously, Gigi, you should do it. After the way you dealt with being sick last semester, people in CSF look up to you. All you have to do is write your name on the clipboard when they pass it around. What’s the harm in that?”

“It seems awfully presumptuous. Like I’m saying I’m better—”

“Better than everyone else? Do you really think the Shepherd team is like that?”

“No, no, you misunderstood me. I know all the leaders are really great people, just like you and Lacey. You guys inspire me. You deserve to be leaders. In fact, you already are leaders, even without the Shepherd title. But the way I see it, you’re all at a different level than me. I feel like if I put my name down, then I’d be pretending to be closer to God than I really am. And if people look up to me like you say for whatever reason, then maybe the leaders would make the huge mistake of actually picking me. What would I do then?”

“Give them a little credit. The whole selection process is done by the Book. The Shepherd team prayerfully considers each nominee and they won’t pick anyone unless God confirms it. See? By putting your name down, you aren’t doing anything wrong or pretending to be anything. You’re just telling the Man Upstairs that you’ll let Him make the final call. Don’t you trust Him?”

“Of course I trust God.” I said firmly. Maybe that was what kept Ian from seeing me as more than a friend. Maybe if I were more godly, more spiritual, I’d be the kind of woman he—or someone like him—would want.  

***

That night at Bible study, I sat on a sofa, sandwiched between Ian and Lacey. Though Lacey spent so much time whispering and giggling with Rob that we might as well have not been there.

For most of the year I thought I was lucky to have a roommate I could get along with and even be friends with, but this semester things had changed. Lacey seemed annoyed by me, especially when Rob was around. No, that’s not fair, I scolded myself. Some of the blame was on my side.

I felt guilty about lashing out at her after Oma’s death, but didn’t know how to make it right. I’d also been more than a little distracted by my own burgeoning romance. Since Brad didn’t really care for the CSF crowd, and I had so far avoided getting involved in the frat party scene he normally frequented, we kind of kept to ourselves. There was a part of me that kind of liked it that way – just the two of us in our own little world.

When the clipboard for leadership nominations reached our side of the room, Lacey signed her name and handed it behind my head to Ian. “Here, Ian. I know Gigi’s not interested in leadership, so you might as well take this next.”

Ian held the clipboard over my lap and looked at me quizzically. “Actually, I thought she was signing up… aren’t you?”

Lacey raised an eyebrow. “She is?”

“What’s wrong with that?” Ian retorted.

“Oh, nothing. Just surprises me is all.”

I thought I saw Lacey roll her eyes at Rob, but shrugged it off as my imagination.

After glancing from my roommate’s skeptical expression to Ian’s expectant face, I took the clipboard. “Yes, Ian’s right. I feel led to do it,” I said, wishing I felt as certain as I sounded. 

Chapter 16, part 2: Bad Reaction

Monday afternoon, Lacey sat hunched over her desk, her back to the door when I came in from classes.

“Hi, roomie!” I said.

She only grunted an acknowledgment of my cheery greeting. Was she angry with me? No, probably just concentrating hard on her studies.

I scrambled up to my loft bed and settled into read a mystery novel I had checked out from the campus library. It had a romance angle to the story as well, and I raised my eyebrows in delighted surprise when the love scenes became increasingly steamy.

One particular description of the heroine’s physical reaction sent an unexpected jolt through me. Almost unconsciously, I crossed my legs tightly as I re-read the scene. Wait. What am I doing? Lacey’s right there.

Just then there was a rap on their door. I froze. The knock repeated, more loudly. Lacey still made no move to answer it.

“Who is that knocking at my door?” I sang out as I climbed down. I hoped the song would cover my flustered embarrassment at what I had been reading. I swung the door open, revealing Phoebe Daniels, the outgoing CSF Chief Shepherd, and Becky Burke, who would be taking her place next year.

“Hey, Giselle, do you always give your guests a musical greeting?” asked Phoebe.

“Just on special occasions.” I gave a sheepish grin and felt my color rising.

“Well today is a very special occasion,” Becky said. “Can we come in?”

“Sure, what’s going on?”

Lacey turned from her studies and approached the door. “Hi, Becky, hi, Phoebe. What’s up?”

Phoebe and Becky squeezed onto the narrow black futon under my loft, and Lacey and I each pulled out our wooden desk chairs.

Phoebe cleared her throat again. “Well, first of all, we were so excited to see both of you volunteer to be part of next year’s leadership team.”

“We think you both have awesome hearts for God,” Becky added.

“Wait, Becky, there was something I wanted to say first. ”As you know, we don’t usually pick sophomores to be on the Shepherd team, but we have to remember that God’s ways are not our ways. Sometimes the decisions we make turn out to surprise all of us—”

“I’m sorry,” Lacey interrupted, “but I’m dying of suspense … and I’m sure Gigi is too. We know what you’re here to tell us, so if you don’t mind, can we hurry this along?”

“I’d really like to give a little more explanation of our thinking process first,” Phoebe said. “This year, we were really focused on using a strategy to guide our choices. We want the right type of leaders to get our foot in the door to reach different segments of Elk River’s student body, especially those underrepresented in CSF.”

Lacey leaned back in her chair and folded her arms. “Like who?” she asked.

“Well, everybody really, but especially the Greeks,” Phoebe said. “That’s where you come in, Giselle. Word on the Elkie Grapevine is that you and Brad Talbert are an item.”

Lacey raised her eyebrows at this information. “You never said anything to me,” she said. “How long has this been going on, Giselle?”

Before I had a chance to reply, Becky and Phoebe continued their explanation.

“I don’t know him that well,” Becky said, “but everyone knows his name after the amazing season the Elkie baseball team’s had the past few years. Imagine how God could use someone like that, someone with so much influence on campus. Is he a believer?”

I shifted in my seat. “Uh, well, I think he’s Catholic. We’re still getting to know each other really … I could try to bring it up in conversation and find out for you if you want.”

“You have the right idea,” said Phoebe. “What we really would like is for you to use your position as Brad’s girlfriend and your position as CSF Shepherd to start influencing the Greeks for Christ.”

The legs of the chair made a harsh squeak against the linoleum floor as Lacey sprung to her feet. “This is ridiculous. You’re picking her? Just because she’s missionary dating some frat boy?”

“Yes, but—”

“I’m not finished. I can’t believe this! My oldest brother is the one who invented the whole Shepherd system when he was here twenty years ago. I started praying that God would let me serve Him as a CSF Shepherd before I can even remember. I deserve this way more than her.”

I was surprised at the disdain in her voice.

Lacey headed for the door. “Don’t tell me this decision was made with prayer – you’re just looking to win a popularity contest. Rob was right about all of you.” With that, Lacey stormed from the room and slammed the door.

We sat in uncomfortable silence.

“Sorry about that, Giselle,” Phoebe finally said. “Becky, don’t say it.”

“Can’t help it. I told you so! We should have just told them they were both on the team right up front.”

“Wait,” I said. “Lacey made it?”

“Of course she made it – as a legacy, she almost is guaranteed a spot on the team. It’s too bad she reacted this way. Now I think we might have to reconsider. We were planning to pick you both – and Ian too. With you three being so close, it seemed like a great foundation for a strong group of sophomores on the Shepherd team next year.”

“Who else did you pick?”

“You three, plus the Finley twins, and Dwayne Jurgen. I don’t know if you’ve met him. He’s a junior,” Phoebe answered.

“But now it seems Lacey might not be quite as spiritually mature as we thought. We might be looking for an alternate to take her place,” Becky said.

I stayed silent, too stunned to immediately jump to my friend’s defense. Lacey’s disdainful tone echoed in my ears. I nodded slightly to myself as I remembered what I had been reading when the CSF leaders knocked on her door. Lacey was more right than she knew.

“I see you feel the same way,” Phoebe said, seeing my nod. “Since you know her better than we do, we’ll have to take that into serious consideration.”

“No, wait—”

“Giselle, you’re so sweet,” Becky said. “I know you’d never want to go on record as speaking against your friend. And you didn’t say anything, really. But that little nod says volumes. I’ll have to talk it over with the others, but if it were up to me, Lacey’s out. We’ll have to meet again and decide whether to replace her with an alternate or only have eleven Shepherds next year.”

No matter how I tried to explain, Becky and Phoebe’s minds were made up. My stomach roiled. My best friend on campus would never realize her lifelong dream, and it was all my fault. How would Lacey ever forgive me?

***

I called home that night.

Mom was thrilled to hear that I’d been picked as a CSF leader. I left out the fight with Lacey and my own uncertainty as to my fitness for the job. I asked to speak to Daddy. “Deposits are due on the Germany trip soon, and I still haven’t asked if he’ll help me out.”

“Don’t get your hopes up Giselle,” Mom warned before handing the phone to Daddy.

After some small talk with him about how my studies were going, I mentioned the trip. I started by describing the itinerary in glowing terms, emphasizing that it would be educational.

Daddy interrupted. “Giselle, I can see where this is leading. Let me save you time and energy. The answer’s no. Do you want me to be broke in my old age? I need to save every penny for retirement.”

I rolled my eyes, grateful that we weren’t Skyping. I wanted to retort, but bit my tongue, holding back what I really wanted to say: “Every last penny except for the few thousand you spent on that new Beemer, or on tee times, or… ”

“I was hoping to use the money from the settlement with the oral surgeon,” I lied.

“Out of the question. I already put it in Oma’s trust. That money is to be used strictly for your education. If I had my way there wouldn’t be any trust at all. I’d rather have you pay your own way – how else will you ever understand the value of money?”

“Fine, I’ll find another way to get it.”

“That’s the spirit. But this whole thing sounds like a waste to me. If you have extra money, you should be saving it for the future, not gallivanting across Europe as though money grows on trees.”

I tried not to indulge my hurt and disappointment. Why did I expect him to have changed? I straightened my shoulders and forced my voice into cheerful tones. “This is important to me. I have money in savings and I’ve already planned to work my butt off this summer to earn the rest of it. I wouldn’t have even brought it up, but … I do need one small favor. The first deposit is fifteen hundred bucks. It’s due in two weeks, and I’m about seven hundred short right now. Would you consider floating me a loan?”

“What do you think?”

“I’m hoping you’ll say yes. That’s why I asked.”

“Don’t be ridiculous. I’m not a bank. Besides, don’t you technically still owe me for the damage to the Miata?”

I didn’t say anything. Would he ever let me live that down?

“That was supposed to be a joke, sweetie. The point is, if you’re such an adult now, I’m sure you can get what you want without help from your mother and I.”

I gave up further arguing and quickly got off the phone. Not only would Daddy not lend me the money, he was still harping on the biggest mistake I’d ever made, borrowing his new convertible without permission my senior year of high school. As much as I tried to tell myself it was the drunk driver who ran the red light, I still felt an enormous wave of guilt every time he brought up the incident.

He was right about one thing – I was an adult and could figure out how to make it to Germany without his help. In fact, I had just received a pre-approved credit card with cash advance checks in the mail along with Mom’s care package.  

Chapter 17, part 1: Recruiter

When I went to put the deposit for the trip on my credit card the following week, it turned out to be a moot point anyway.

“Sorry, Miss Gottlieb, but there hasn’t been much interest in this trip. I think it might be canceled.” Dr. Eberhardt said when I approached him after class.

“Canceled? Why?”

“You’re actually the first student to commit to going, and if we don’t have at least four more definite commitments by the end of next week, we can’t go. I knew it was a gamble to announce a trip this late in the year. Too last minute to get a good response.”

“But if at least five students sign up by the end of next week, we can still go?”

“That’s right.”

“Okay, so why don’t you take my deposit now, and I’ll work on getting some of my friends to come along.”

“I like your enthusiasm, Miss Gottlieb. I suppose we can try that. I don’t see how it would hurt to take your deposit now. Worst case scenario, you’ll be the first one signed up for next year’s excursion.”

Despite my bravado with Dr. Eberhardt, I tried and failed to think of four people I’d feel comfortable inviting to go. Any time I thought of an acquaintance who might be interested, I imagined the conversation and thought of all the reasons they’d say no. They might even think I was weird for bringing it up.

That Friday just before dusk, Brad and I walked hand in hand off campus for a date.

“Look, there’s my friend Ian,” I told Brad. “I’ve been wanting to introduce you to him.” I called Ian’s name.

“Hey, Gigi,” Ian said when we caught up. “Brad, heard about your grand slam at this afternoon’s game. Awesome.”

“We’re headed to the Shake Shack to celebrate with an ice cream. Want to join us?” Brad asked.

“Have to take a rain check, bro. It’s almost sundown. Ice cream is great, but fellowship of believers on the Sabbath is even sweeter,” Ian said.

A twinge of guilt shot through me as we said our goodbyes. Since I started seeing Brad, I’d missed a few CSF meetings. Last weekend I even missed church with Lacey after a Saturday midnight movie in Avondale kept us out until almost 3:00 a.m.

“Sabbath? Is he Jewish or something?” Brad asked after Ian turned onto a side street.

“Not exactly. It’s hard to explain,” I said. I wasn’t really in the mood for a spiritual conversation just then, so I quickly changed the subject. “Hey, remember that trip I told you about? It’s probably not going to happen. I’m so bummed.”

I explained the minimum attendance requirement. As far as I knew, I was still the only one interested .

“That sucks. I wish I could tell you I’d go just to make you feel better.”

“I sense a but coming …”

“But, what about the unrest in the world right now?” He knitted his brow. “Is it even safe to travel? And what if we get picked for one of those random enhanced patdowns? I don’t know if I could deal with someone — I mean some guy — touching my junk.” He winked.

Those issues had never even crossed my mind. “I guess I didn’t think of it like that …” I trailed off, lost in thought. Daddy said it was a waste and Brad just said it was dangerous. Was I being foolish to even consider the trip? But then again, a freak accident could happen to us at any minute. I didn’t want to miss out on a chance to see the world because of fear. “You may have a point, Brad, but--”

“Aww, Giselle, I was kidding. Sure, all the craziness in the world does freak me out a little, but … Well, the truth is, it’s just that I can think of other things I’d rather do with my summer – like go to Indians games. My dad has season tickets and I’ve kind of made it my personal goal to attend all the home games I can. Isn’t there anyone else you can ask?”

“That’s the thing. It’s probably stupid, but I’m afraid to bother people or seem pushy by telling them where to go and what to do.”

“You don’t have to be pushy, just bring it up in conversation, you know?”

“That’s worth a shot, I guess. I’ll try that.”  

I mentioned the trip to Ian the next time I saw him, but he said that though it sounded fun, he couldn’t miss his family’s annual trip to visit his grandparents in Michigan the first week in August. Lacey still wasn’t speaking to me, which made it hard to bring up the concept of traveling together to a remote location in casual conversation. Maybe Breanne?

I walked over to her room, planning to join her for dinner. I knocked and pushed the door open.

She was on the bed making out with someone with long dark hair.

“Excuse me, I didn’t know I was interrupting anything,” I said as I quickly backed out of the room.

“Oh, Zella, it’s you. Come on in.” Breanne turned to me. “This is my girlfriend, Lori.” She stood to reveal a small brunette woman who I recognized from the grocery store on Main Street. She looked to be at least 10 years older than us. “She’s the reason I missed the movie the other night.”

“Nice to meet you,” I said, shaking her hand. So the rumors were true. How could I not see it?

“Zella, I’ve heard so much about you,” Lori said. She looked at me appraisingly. “I can see why Breanne was crushing on you last semester.”

“Uh, thanks,” I said. Did she say crushing on me?  How dense was I?

I didn’t know what to say so decided to change the subject. “I was actually headed to the dining hall to eat. Want to join me?” I asked.

“Dinner time already? Whoa, we really did lose track of time,” Lori said, winking at Breanne. “You know how it is when you’re in love,” she said to me.

“I’m starved.” Breanne said. “But, um, could we go some place off campus?”

“Sure thing, love,” Lori said. She turned to me, “We were in the dining hall yesterday, and this couple comes up to us and asks us if we know that queers will burn in hell.”

“That’s awful. Who would do that?”

“I hate to tell you this,” Breanne said, “but it was your roommate.”

“Lacey said that to you?”

“Well, not exactly. Her boyfriend did all the talking.”

“That Rob! He’s awful. I’ve never liked him — an intolerant, arrogant jerk.”

“Just like every other Christian I’ve ever met,” Lori said.

“I’m a Christian,” I said quietly.

“Zella, you’re different,” Breanne said quickly. “I don’t know why, but you are. You and Phoebe. Before I met you both, I felt just like Lori, that all Christians were hateful bigots. But if all Christians were like you, maybe I’d even want to be one.”

“Come to CSF with me some time,” I offered. “You’ll find out there are a lot more people like me and Phoebe there than people like Rob.”

Breanne and Lori giggled and flirted with each other over dinner. It made me uncomfortable at first, but then I saw how happy Breanne seemed. Weren’t they just like any other couple newly in love? Did gender really matter?

When the Religion 101 professor had ranted about the irrelevance of the Bible to modern-day sexual ethics last semester I’d flatly dismissed his arguments as heretical, sacrilegious, blasphemous. Now, faced with a real-life example of two people condemned by Biblical standards, I felt less certain. Slavery was allowed in the Old Testament and outlawed today, same with polygamy. Maybe homosexuality was an example of something outlawed then that was permissible today?

When I got back to my room, I realized I had completely forgotten to ask Breanne about the trip to Germany.