“I did. He was the brother of a friend of mine. I’m in shock. But why am I here?” Were my words last night considered hate speech? Was I about to be expelled?
I had just stepped out of the administration building on to the Quad when my phone rang.
It was Breanne. “Did you get my text? I wanted to give you a heads up that I gave your name to President Hunt.”
“Don’t know how I missed it, but she already had me in her office. I told her everything I could. Hey, are you free to meet up? I miss hanging out.”
Breanne and I agreed to meet in her room at the Volleyball house that afternoon.
While we discussed Melissa’s brother and Rob, she cleared a space for me on her bed, moving aside an open Bible and notebook. Looked like she had kept her word about following Jesus without CSF.
“Not to change the subject, but Jenny told me about the baby,” Breanne said. “You doing okay?”
“A little queasy all the time, and not sure how I’m going to do this, but surprisingly, yeah. I’m doing okay.”
“Your faith is so strong. You’ll get through this.”
“It’s been a lot shakier than I’ve let on. I’ve doubted everything: my salvation, whether God meant what he said, and even His very existence.”
“Your faith? Shaky? I can’t get over that. You’re like my spiritual hero. I thought I was the only one who had doubts and struggles.”
“Far from it. Our struggles aren’t all that different in fact. Even before I started having sex with Brad, I’d been feeling guilty about reading sexy stories but not able to stop. I thought God was angry with me all the time.”
“I know that feeling,” Breanne said. “That’s why it hit me so hard when Ian said God loved me. I still have trouble believing it sometimes, but He shows me every day that it’s true. Sylvie has been a big help too.”
I nodded. “I love that girl! Sylvie is the one who helped me see God’s invitation to come running for forgiveness.”
“Sounds like things aren’t so shaky anymore then?”
“It’s completely different. God used this whole situation to show me how broken I am and how much I need His grace, but more, how abundant that grace is. I shared a testimony about it this week at Soulfire, when I told everyone about the baby. I wish you had been there to hear it, but I understand why you weren’t. I’m so sorry for the part I played in making you feel unwelcome.”
“Thanks for saying that. I forgive you. I realized almost instantly that I had overreacted, but my stupid pride kept me away. I should have been honored that you guys cared enough about me to call me on stuff like that. Being with Lori the way I was, at least outside of a real commitment, was not God’s best for me.”
I still wasn’t sure if God approved of any homosexual relationship, but it didn’t feel right to say anything to Breanne about it. A lot of the Biblical patriarchs had more than one wife, but that didn’t stop God from being in their lives. I was pregnant, and God was still inviting me to deeper relationship with Him. Life was messy and we were sinners, but it seemed like God’s plan allowed for that as he journeyed with us.